You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
