This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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