i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
