I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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