If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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