He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
