She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i dont even know how to be here
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
