why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
