well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.