did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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