Got a toothbrush?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.