Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.