I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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