She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Found the puke drawer
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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