There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
