Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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