After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
