in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
