my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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