walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
