drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize