I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
