She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
