I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Im part way to drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
