she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
