Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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