Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
