I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
