Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
