My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
