I think i peed on brittanys purse
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
