You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
