i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
