omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
