I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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