KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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