this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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