He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
