Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
