I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
