god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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