I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
