I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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