Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
