2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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