I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is wine microwaveable?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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