y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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