I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
