First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
