so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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