I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
