So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
