like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
