I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
