Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
