Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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