good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
