Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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