i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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