omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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