Porn is love you can see.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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